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(what remains)
The Distant Future

in sweet cool of February in your kitchen with the smell of brussel sprouts cooking, and i was putting baby carrots on a disney princess kid's plate thinking that most of this will end up on the floor and when do we abandon these for plates with nothing on them at all and if you touch my arm with your fingertips to get by and pour the sauce over the fried tofu it will feel electric on my skin and i will smile but you won't notice because you're thinking about making sure these kids eat and the little girl with the fairy wings is tiny so tiny for almost five and are they going to live here or with you somewhere else or with their father and the letter is on the table from the lawyers and the courts and outside there are woodchucks eating your garden and when you ask me if i want juice or milk or water baby you're driving me crazy.
because i want to know if i lose another ten pounds will i be good enough for you to tell me you love me when youre not drunk and fucking me, if i give you a perfect back rub and somehow cure that sore spot on your back that even yoga won't fix, or if i learn to play guitar and start a band and act like i don't give a shit about you even though i cry and cry and cry and then will i be good enough for you to call me just because you're thinking about me?
when your son throws the ketchup bottle on the floor you put him in time out on the corner by the bookshelf and he dances blowing raspberries and he's trying to get my attention and i tell you i'm not sure what to do because i know they act out when i'm around and it's because i understand where we hide from the werewolves and the story about the rocket bicycles that we ride to a castle in the clouds and when your daughter is on my shoulders at the park she says lets sing a song about our family, our family, and i don't say anything because i don't have the courage or the heart or the wisdom or anything so how can i ever hope to be good enough
and when i run in the morning now that youre with someone else i tell myself that this is whats left after and i take stock of my resources like a survivor and i still have some courage and a little hope and i can still paint and i can run a little faster every day even if i have to scream when i pass under the tunnel even if I have to cry when ive exhausted my body and my lungs are white fire and where are you for me to tell you that this is my best time today and where were you for me to tell you that i like jacket pockets when i realized that the jacket i borrowed had none and where were you when what remained was just a fragment and a whisper and it turned into smoke and dream and nothing more and there is nothing really left of us, is there, i mean its so sad that something that was so beautiful has to turn so bitter in my heart like the way that snow turns black on the side of the road and i mean, that's so sad, man, that's so fucking sad and i don't know whether i wish i never met you or i wish that i never fell for you or something, i don't know, something, but
i run and i run and i run and i want to punch things and i want to break things and sometimes i think how much more yoga and meditation do i need to be a real human being again and maybe i just barely missed my chance that last time you left my apartment with your shirt that youd left at the bar and i called the place and drove there to pick it up for you as soon as they opened because it was a nirvana shirt from the 90s that exposed your shoulder when you wore it and it was so sexy and it mattered to you and i was a fool for you but
when i said sit down for a while and you said you had to go you had plans you had to be somewhere i think you meant something else, i think you walked out of my life then and i didn't realize it until well after your scent had disappeared from where you slept.


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